Issues Resolved...

Sitting here not knowing what to say or where I am going with this. Sometimes my best work starts that way, no promises this time though!

It's early July, and I can say life is good. There have been a few self induced speed bumps over the last month or so, but I quickly resolved those issues and the seas are calm again(for the time being.)

I have done more than my share of stupid acts over the last few months. On the upside of that, I have reflected what I did, chastised myself for being foolish and made amends for those thoughtless and selfish acts. And NO, I will not go into details, there are too many people out there that have more than enough information to try and blackmail me.

I guess what I am trying to say is, it's okay to make mistakes, as long as you own up to the consequences and make the situation right again. Yes, feelings got hurt, I take full responsibility for that, but I have mended those fences, and all are moving on!

I have spent the last two months adjusting to a new position at work(which I love) adjusting to a new place to live(which I also love) and spending a little bit if time in Key West, FL The latter was too brief, but I am already planning for my next adventure.

We all change daily, sometimes we don't like what we become, but we have the power to change that. A dear friend came up to me recently and apologized for talking about me behind my back. I told her it was okay, I never heard what she said, and I didn't care. Not that I was worried about the bad press, or what people thought of me,  but for the one opinion I am most concerned with, and the one opinion that I care about which is my own!

Yes that sounds very egotistical, and conceited, but it's very true. Yes I care what people say about me, but the bottom line and end of story is I know the whole truth, and they may not. And I am the only one that can change my attitude, no matter how much others may try.

I guess what I am trying to say is, I know I have faults, like we all do, and I try every day to make them less significant to all parties involved,

Life is an adventure, not a chore, that's how I live it! Mistakes will be made, but more importantly, cherished memories will be made as well.

Until next time...

Live like you were dying...

Life is unpredictable, things are flowing smoothly, all is calm in the world, the Red Sox are winning,  then, the great creator throws us a curve ball and we find ourselves like a barnstormer with a bad tailwind. No idea of which way is up, or where to go from here, or, do I even want to want to try. Suddenly in a dark corner, and hoping no one notices I am there.

I found myself in that corner last week.

Hanging out with friends, a great party weekend. Good friends, good food, and the potential for the making of great memories. I chose to go to a sad place, as opposed to enjoying the moment and living for the day.

I had always considered myself as "the strong one" or "the rock." I seldom share emotions and never show them. This night was different though. Sitting away from my friends, listening to songs that reminded me of what I could have had(if I had opened up), should have had(if I wasn't so pig-headed), and things that can never be because it was too late. The rock crumbled a bit, the walls were vulnerable. The emotion was like a raw nerve, one wrong move, and the pain too intense to bear.

Luckily I had people who cared to help me through the moment.

I  think what happened was I have recently went through a life change myself. No it wasn't life  threatening, but drastic, none the less, and hadn't dealt with the emotions(hate those things.)

I had resided at the same address for over eleven years. Met many friends, made lot's of memories, and even fell in love. Life was good, the planets were all aligned. Then my landlady of 90 years passed away. The night of her funeral, her daughter, assured me and my upstairs neighbor, nothing to worry about. Then three months down the road, the storyline makes a dramatic twist.

I was shocked,  I was told “no worries, nothing will change.”  All of a sudden, there’s reality staring me in the face, in the form of a letter, stating I had thirty days to find a new place to live.

I sat there, re-reading the letter, thinking that my land-lady was spinning in her grave! She loved me and the tenant upstairs.  We were “her boys” and in a sense, she was a family member to us as well. Every holiday, we would get pie or cookies, and every time we did something wrong, she would call us into the main house and talk about it. When this happened, we left feeling like we let a family member down, not a business associate.

I was lost, not sure what I was going to do, but found the courage to make life better out of what I thought was a bad situation.

I have realized in the last few weeks, it was a blessing, not a curse that I had to uproot my life and relocate to another fertile field.

I share this, about change and emotion,  because another friend posted a video on her facebook page. It was about a 17 year old boy who lost his fight to cancer but had the best attitude towards life.

Granted, my change was not as life altering as cancer, and I am not trying to compare my situation to his, but after my selfish breakdown last week, my problems are minuscule, compared to what others have to endure in life.

We all have to make changes, some good, some bad, but we find a way to make it work. Life is to fragile and short to do different. In a blink of an eye, it may be gone.

In a nutshell, live life to it's fullest, because tomorrow may never arrive. Those weren't his words, but that's what I summarized from the short video. Life can be short, but what you do with the moments is what counts. So, have fun, be safe, and make lots of memories!

I'm sorry, did you say something?

We all say we are good at it, we all pretend to be, we want it from others, why is it,  no one listens anymore?

Yes, each of us at some point in time was too pre-occupied with something else, and said those fateful words "Yes, I heard you" to only have that moment come back and bite us right on the ass!

My favorite writer and one of my heroes said it best:

I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.

 

 E. Hemingway

 

 

I admit, there are times I haven't listened. We all have. who as a child standing by mommy in the kitchen and reaching to touch the boiling pot on the stove top, and hearing her say "Don't touch that, you will get hurt" then, the moment she averts her eyes, you touch anyway realizing she was right! Lesson learned (hopefully.)

 

Or the time you listened to your heart and not you head and got your heart broken, because no matter how good you felt at the time your heart will break and your head will hurt!

 

I do consider myself a good listener. I am sincere when I say "if you ever need to talk, I will be there for you"

 

I consider myself a better observer though. I may look like I'm disinterested, or uncaring, but usually I am taking in the words, along with my surroundings. One of my best traits is looking ambiguous to all that's going on in a room and knowing all the players and being able to predict their next move with a 94.7%  accuracy! I wish I were that good in my personal life!

 

That's what makes me human though. I'm there for others, but not always there to listen to myself. Something I will work on, as the year unfolds.

 

That's another subject, for another day though.

 

So, next time, when someone says to you "Got a a minute?"  stop what you are doing and give them that minute, that five minutes, or two hours. They may just need someone to care for them for that moment in time, to assure themselves that there are still people who care and are willing to listen! It can make a difference.

 

Until next time...

Everybody hurts

Yes, it's been awhile,  little over a month and a half! I guess I was waiting for the right thought to hit me. I guess lightning struck!

Just relaxing, listening to music, trying to get Monday night over with, and the songs got me thinking.

There are some songs we hate because they bring up sad memories of what could have been(Simple Minds -Don't You Forget About Me) or songs that bring up sad memories of what should have been(Phil Collins -One More Night) or songs that never should have ever been recorded(Bobby McFerrin – Don't Worry Be Happy) Sorry Bobby McFerrin, but every time I hear that song, I only hear fingernails on a chalkboard!

There are other songs that bring up fun times (Bob Marley - Three Little Birds) or (Israel Kamakawiwo'- - Somewhere Over The Rainbow)! Songs like that bring up memories of good times gone by, but not forgotten, and assuredly bound to be repeated!

Others take you to a specific moment, feeling, and emotion(Santana - Europa). Europa always haunts me for 2 reasons, the first, I remember when I first heard it and fell in love with it, and the second, a musician friend of mine knows that story as well, and starts playing it when he spots me in the crowd of the local hot spot he's playing! It brings back many great memories, hanging out with friends, a first kiss on a second date, a slow dance that carried over through the next two songs!

The music we listen to is the soundtrack of our life. Sometimes we are in a great mood and want to hear upbeat music, other times we are melancholy, and want to be taken back to a moment past. There is nothing wrong with that, as long as we don't dwell on what could have been or for that matter, what should have been! Sometimes we are in a dark place and keep listening to the same song over and over(been there, done that).  It doesn't help, it just makes you angry, and that's no way to live life!

My soundtrack of life is filled with most of the above songs I listed(Sorry, Bobby) and many others. Songs I can hear, and like the words I have written, know how I felt the first time I heard them!

Memories, good and bad,  people still in my life, people that have been lost on the path of life, the songs bring them closer to that moment frozen in time, when we were together and a happy tomorrow!

The R.E.M. song Everybody hurts just hit rotation on the Media player!

It can be a sad song,  and yes it's about suicide(REM confirmed that) but it can also be uplifting. When there is no hope left, there's one reason to keep going, whether it's to piss someone off, make a change in society, of just make a change in some one's life you care about! That's reason enough to not give up!

Let the music play!

Merry Christmas....

It's been a few weeks since I have written anything, here or otherwise. I have been busy trying to embrace the holiday spirit.

I love this time of year, friends and family getting together, celebrating the day.

Waiting for the big guy to come down the chimney, and leave us our gift that we have been wanting for since before Halloween!

We write the letters, sit on his lap, and hope it appears! Then magically, on Christmas morning, it does, then it instills our faith that Santa does really exist!

I thought I'd share a few holiday poems  and a story I wrote in recent years:


The Gift

The moments seem to creep up on us like the ghosts of Christmas past!

We all have them, the memories that make us cringe every time we recall them!

Maybe it’s as simple as not getting that bike when we were five and thinking our world was going to end!

Or,  the time you had to lie to your Aunt saying "how beautiful is this sweater? I’ll wear it everyday!" even though it was pink with purple kangaroos all over it!

 

It may be as complicated as to not understanding why things don’t always work out like we wish!

Then we deal with the ghosts of Christmas present!

"Will I have time to get all this done?" or "Will they like the gifts I chose for them?"

Then there’s the ghosts of Christmas’s yet to come! If it were up to Charles Dickens, we would all be frightened out of our wits and try to change the world!

In reality, we can do just that. Maybe it’s wishing a stranger on the street Merry Christmas, or opening the car door for someone because their hands are full, even if  it is a few steps out of our way!

Or it can be as simple as telling the ones we care about how much their gift of love and friendship means to us!

 __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

From another year...

 

The Lights...

 

The lights are up, the presents are all wrapped. As I sit by my tree, I think of the gifts I’ve gotten for people. A sweater, a CD, a box of candy. All nice, but not the best gift of all. No, not gold, silver, or even diamonds. It’s better than even those!

The best gift that I have to give can not be wrapped! Nor can it be hidden under the tree, and I know that this may sound selfish, but I hope I receive this gift as well!

It is simply the gift of friendship

It is a stressful time, but take a moment and remember what the season is about, it's not about colorful wrapping paper, or big fancy bows, it's about sharing and caring. Spending time with family and friend.

Remember, the hugs and warm wished you receive from loved ones are so much more valuable than the Ipod you got or that sweater from J.Crew.

The Ipod will eventually break and the moths will find your sweater, but that warm embrace will be there forever, in your heart and theirs!

In closing I will share a Christmas story I wrote, I was going to wait but why not...

The Gift

by Ken Christian

 

 

He sat alone that cold December morning, just a week before Christmas. The only signs that it was the holiday season were the unopened Christmas cards on his entry table and the stupid black and white movie that was on the TV.

 

It was about a man who wished he had never born and another foolish man following him around trying to convince him that life really is good!

 

Bob looked at Christmas, as most other holidays,  a waste of time! But Christmas was the biggest waste of time the entire year! People being nice to people they wouldn’t normally care about,  much less even talk to!

 

As a child, Bob didn’t like Christmas, Yes he enjoyed the two weeks off from school, but that was it. December twenty-fifth,  when his Aunt Ruth and Uncle George would come over to visit, he  could do without! She would always pinch his cheek too hard and Uncle George would always say  “Bob, what are you going to be when you grow up?” Sometimes he didn’t even care if he ever did grow up, especially if he had to act like Uncle George one day, that is!

 

At age ten, just like now, at age thirty-seven, Bob thought the holiday season was full of hot air, just like the fat man in the tattered red suit, ringing that annoying bell on the street corner! He smelled like Uncle George after a few too many eggnogs which was horrible enough!

 

It started when  he was five years old. Bob learned to hate Santa Clause! All he wanted was that red bike with the tassels on the handlebars!  He sat on Santa’s lap and pleaded for his bike, and Santa promised it would be there! He woke up that Christmas morning only to find a stuffed bear, Mousetrap, the game, and a Tonka truck. No red bike!  His only wish, the only thing  he had wanted was not granted!

 

To this day, he hated Santa, and the day that he represented, because Santa had lied to him when he was five years old!

 

As every year, since his parents had moved to Florida, his mother would call and plead with him to fly down and visit for the holiday!  Not unlike today when she called, Bob politely told her that work was crazy but he would try, knowing well and good there was no way he would! It wasn’t that  he hated his family.  He loved them. He promised himself that he would go down in January, as he had done every year since his parents moved south! Just not during that blasted holiday!

 

As Bob left his building, his doorman Bill said “Merry Christmas, Mr. Berringer” Bob said “there’s no such thing” and kept walking!

Throughout the day, he declined various invitations for ‘gatherings to celebrate holiday cheer’ feigning too much work and not enough time to get it done! His best friend Joe told him of a gathering at a bar right around the corner from his apartment that night but Bob made up a failed excuse about some tenants Christmas party that was happening!

 

As the day wore on, he acknowledged peoples holiday greetings and responded with Luke warm salutations!

 

It was a harsh winter day, snow was predicted by midnight and the paper said it would continue until the next afternoon, if not longer! As he left his office, he looked toward the sky.  Bob thought the snow would fall sooner than later that day, so he decided to take the subway rather than walk the twenty blocks which he normally did on a daily basis!

 

“If I get mugged, maybe I’ll forget about Christmas” he half joked to himself.  As he was standing at the station, waiting for his train, a little girl, no older than four or five, boldly tugged on his jacket and said “Excuse me mister, is Santa a real person? My brother says he’s not but I believe in him, I even asked him for a bike, and he said he would bring it to me!”

 

As she rambled on, Bob tried not to pay any attention, but she was persistent!  She kept talking about the blue bike she asked for and her older brother who said Santa wasn’t real!

 

Bob thought to himself as this little girl kept talking to him about Saint Nick and the bicycle she had asked for! He thought of this child’s hopes and dreams and her only wish for a bike under the tree on Christmas Morn, like his were so many years before! He thought that maybe this is what Christmas is all about! Keeping hope alive that maybe, just maybe, wishes can come true, if we believe!

 

He then said “Yes there is a Santa Clause.” Bob surprised himself by saying this but somehow it felt good to say it.

 

As the little girl ran off to play with her brother, her mother stepped up and apologized for her daughters bold outburst! He said no apology was necessary as he kept thinking about the bike she wished for.

 

Then he thought to himself, maybe Santa is alive in all of us, we just need to find him.

 

Another surprise  to him was the statement he made to the child’s  mother. “Did you know she asked Santa for a bike/” Her response was, yes she knew that but they would be lucky this year if they had food on the table this year, the bike under the small tree was would not be happening this Christmas.

 

He then pictured the look on the girls face that Christmas morning, turning the corner, hoping beyond hope that Santa had granted her wish only to find it not there and her older brother saying “I told you he wasn’t real!”

 

It was then that the train arrived and they all boarded, The little girl sat near Bob. As he looked at her, he thought of when he was five and the disappointment in his heart that Christmas morning when his red bike with the tassels on the handlebars wasn’t sitting by the tree! It was at that moment that he decided it wouldn’t happen again. “That won’t happen to this little girl” he said to himself!

As the train stopped at the next station, the mother and her children got up to leave! Although there were too more stops before his, Bob got out as well.

At the station, he asked the mother to wait a moment as he pulled out his checkbook! He wrote a  check

 for one thousand dollars, and handed it to her.

She looked confused and tried to give it back. Bob then said “you don’t know me, I don’t know you but your daughter showed me the true meaning of believing in something that I lost more than thirty years ago! My only request to you in accepting my gift is that you get her the bike that she asked for!”

As Bob turned to go up the stairs, she grabbed his sleeve! As he turned around, he saw tears in her eyes as she said thank you and Merry Christmas! 

As he walked away, he thought of the look on the child’s face that Christmas morning as she rounded the corner and did see the bike she asked Santa for!

As he left the station with three blocks ahead of him before he got home, be beamed with the holiday spirit that he had been lost so many years before! As be walked toward his building, before the doorman could say a word, Bob handed him a hundred dollar bill and said Merry Christmas Bill!

“Merry Christmas, sir” was Bills response, wondering what happened in the last nine hours!

When Bob entered his apartment, the phone was ringing, it was Joe again, asking him to join him for a bit of holiday cheer at the bar around the corner from his apartment! Bob’s response was ”If only you let me pick up the tab” He then said, "I have a phone call to make then I’ll be there in ten minutes!"

Bob then picked up the phone and called his Mother in Florida to let her know he would call her in a day or two to let her know when he was flying in!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Think back, pilgrim… Remember?(John Wayne)...

As Thanksgiving approaches, and the crazy holiday season, I thought I'd take a moment to talk about time, thanks and more of the craziness of the season.

It is difficult to grasp that it's already late November. They say(whoever 'they' is) time flies! It seems just yesterday, it was early summer and we were complaining about the heat. Now it's just a few days until Thanksgiving and I have a frozen turkey to deal with!

I love Thanksgiving, that was our family holiday. Yes, Christmas was the climax of the year, but that afternoon we would pile in the car and go to an aunts house to finish the day. Thanksgiving was the day we slept in, skipped breakfast and converged on the kitchen as a family and made dinner.

It wasn't about the turkey, of football, it was about being together. I am thankful for those memories, and thankful every day for my family and friends.

Since Mom and Dad are gone, I don't see my family every day, but I make a point to call my brother a few times a week and check in. He, Fran, and the kids are all I have.

I take that back, I have a close knit group of friends that I consider family as well.

I am thankful of all the people in my life, because they create the path I call life! By their words, gestures, and kindness, they help me decide what my next move is. Whether it's moment, day by day, or year by year.

It's the 'Butterfy Effect' "the idea, used in chaos theory, that a very small difference in the initial state of a physical system can make a significant difference to the state at some later time

[from the theory that a butterfly flapping its wings in one part of the world might ultimately cause a hurricane in another part of the world]"

 

It is amazing how a smile first thing in the morning, or a harsh word can set the tone for the entire day, or sometimes longer.

 

I try to not let the small things get to me, I live my life stoic, non-emotional, 'the strong one'. It's not easy, and it can get lonely at times. but "That's who I am, and how I deal with life."

 

I may not say it all the time, but I am thankful for the gifts I receive in life, whether it's a new shirt, a hug, or a smile from a stranger. I am grateful that someone cares, even if it's only for a moment.

 

We all need to be grateful for the blessings of thanksgiving we have 365 days a year, I know I am.

 

Until the official holiday season begins...

 

 

Santa Clause is coming to town...

Another night, another moment of not knowing what to say.

As I sit here, hoping for inspiration, I continue to babble on. The holiday season is right around the corner! Unless you are a manager at Wal-Mart, then Christmas started in August.

I love the holidays, I have already been invited to two parties, and it's only a little over a week past my birthday.

The holidays are a time of joyous celebration, a time to embrace loved ones, and forget about petty differences you had with a friend and family.

I love and hate the holidays, I love it because I get to spend time with family. but hate dealing with all the commercialism. Like I said, the poor Wal-Mart manager must have two calenders in his office, one for day to day operations, and one for Holidays!

"Let's look, okay, Halloween starts in July, Christmas in August, Valentines Day starts January 3rd, I think I am covered until February 15th when I have to dust off the Easter baskets and get ready for summer"

I'm not sure why, we the retail consumer have let this happen, but it has.

I miss the days when there was no Halloween until the week of October 31st and  Christmas music was not allowed until "Black Friday." And if you even thought about it, you were guaranteed coal and switches in your stocking!

We always look forward to the next "big event" and forget the daily events we encounter every day.

We need to stop 'fast-forwarding' the calender to the next holiday "so we can all get together" and think about today and say to ourselves, what is so wrong with getting together "just because." Life is too short to wait for the next holiday to tell someone how you feel. That holiday maybe too late!

I don't share feelings or show emotion, but I am trying to get better at it. I take it one day at a time, not one holiday to the next. If everyone did that, maybe this world would be a calmer, more serene place to co-exist!

So next time you talk to your family, instead of saying "see you Thanksgiving" say, I'll call you mid-week, maybe we can get together next Sunday! It would probably benefit everyone.

Something to think about, and Happy Holidays!