Monday, December 3, 2012

Merry Christmas....

It's been a few weeks since I have written anything, here or otherwise. I have been busy trying to embrace the holiday spirit.

I love this time of year, friends and family getting together, celebrating the day.

Waiting for the big guy to come down the chimney, and leave us our gift that we have been wanting for since before Halloween!

We write the letters, sit on his lap, and hope it appears! Then magically, on Christmas morning, it does, then it instills our faith that Santa does really exist!

I thought I'd share a few holiday poems  and a story I wrote in recent years:


The Gift

The moments seem to creep up on us like the ghosts of Christmas past!

We all have them, the memories that make us cringe every time we recall them!

Maybe it’s as simple as not getting that bike when we were five and thinking our world was going to end!

Or,  the time you had to lie to your Aunt saying "how beautiful is this sweater? I’ll wear it everyday!" even though it was pink with purple kangaroos all over it!
 
It may be as complicated as to not understanding why things don’t always work out like we wish!

Then we deal with the ghosts of Christmas present!

"Will I have time to get all this done?" or "Will they like the gifts I chose for them?"

Then there’s the ghosts of Christmas’s yet to come! If it were up to Charles Dickens, we would all be frightened out of our wits and try to change the world!

In reality, we can do just that. Maybe it’s wishing a stranger on the street Merry Christmas, or opening the car door for someone because their hands are full, even if  it is a few steps out of our way!

Or it can be as simple as telling the ones we care about how much their gift of love and friendship means to us!

 __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 
 
From another year...
 
The Lights...
 
The lights are up, the presents are all wrapped. As I sit by my tree, I think of the gifts I’ve gotten for people. A sweater, a CD, a box of candy. All nice, but not the best gift of all. No, not gold, silver, or even diamonds. It’s better than even those!
The best gift that I have to give can not be wrapped! Nor can it be hidden under the tree, and I know that this may sound selfish, but I hope I receive this gift as well!
It is simply the gift of friendship
It is a stressful time, but take a moment and remember what the season is about, it's not about colorful wrapping paper, or big fancy bows, it's about sharing and caring. Spending time with family and friend.

Remember, the hugs and warm wished you receive from loved ones are so much more valuable than the Ipod you got or that sweater from J.Crew.

The Ipod will eventually break and the moths will find your sweater, but that warm embrace will be there forever, in your heart and theirs!

In closing I will share a Christmas story I wrote, I was going to wait but why not...


The Gift
by Ken Christian
 
 
He sat alone that cold December morning, just a week before Christmas. The only signs that it was the holiday season were the unopened Christmas cards on his entry table and the stupid black and white movie that was on the TV.
 
It was about a man who wished he had never born and another foolish man following him around trying to convince him that life really is good!
 
Bob looked at Christmas, as most other holidays,  a waste of time! But Christmas was the biggest waste of time the entire year! People being nice to people they wouldn’t normally care about,  much less even talk to!
 
As a child, Bob didn’t like Christmas, Yes he enjoyed the two weeks off from school, but that was it. December twenty-fifth,  when his Aunt Ruth and Uncle George would come over to visit, he  could do without! She would always pinch his cheek too hard and Uncle George would always say  “Bob, what are you going to be when you grow up?” Sometimes he didn’t even care if he ever did grow up, especially if he had to act like Uncle George one day, that is!
 
At age ten, just like now, at age thirty-seven, Bob thought the holiday season was full of hot air, just like the fat man in the tattered red suit, ringing that annoying bell on the street corner! He smelled like Uncle George after a few too many eggnogs which was horrible enough!
 
It started when  he was five years old. Bob learned to hate Santa Clause! All he wanted was that red bike with the tassels on the handlebars!  He sat on Santa’s lap and pleaded for his bike, and Santa promised it would be there! He woke up that Christmas morning only to find a stuffed bear, Mousetrap, the game, and a Tonka truck. No red bike!  His only wish, the only thing  he had wanted was not granted!
 
To this day, he hated Santa, and the day that he represented, because Santa had lied to him when he was five years old!
 
As every year, since his parents had moved to Florida, his mother would call and plead with him to fly down and visit for the holiday!  Not unlike today when she called, Bob politely told her that work was crazy but he would try, knowing well and good there was no way he would! It wasn’t that  he hated his family.  He loved them. He promised himself that he would go down in January, as he had done every year since his parents moved south! Just not during that blasted holiday!
 
As Bob left his building, his doorman Bill said “Merry Christmas, Mr. Berringer” Bob said “there’s no such thing” and kept walking!
Throughout the day, he declined various invitations for ‘gatherings to celebrate holiday cheer’ feigning too much work and not enough time to get it done! His best friend Joe told him of a gathering at a bar right around the corner from his apartment that night but Bob made up a failed excuse about some tenants Christmas party that was happening!
 
As the day wore on, he acknowledged peoples holiday greetings and responded with Luke warm salutations!
 
It was a harsh winter day, snow was predicted by midnight and the paper said it would continue until the next afternoon, if not longer! As he left his office, he looked toward the sky.  Bob thought the snow would fall sooner than later that day, so he decided to take the subway rather than walk the twenty blocks which he normally did on a daily basis!
 
“If I get mugged, maybe I’ll forget about Christmas” he half joked to himself.  As he was standing at the station, waiting for his train, a little girl, no older than four or five, boldly tugged on his jacket and said “Excuse me mister, is Santa a real person? My brother says he’s not but I believe in him, I even asked him for a bike, and he said he would bring it to me!”
 
As she rambled on, Bob tried not to pay any attention, but she was persistent!  She kept talking about the blue bike she asked for and her older brother who said Santa wasn’t real!
 
Bob thought to himself as this little girl kept talking to him about Saint Nick and the bicycle she had asked for! He thought of this child’s hopes and dreams and her only wish for a bike under the tree on Christmas Morn, like his were so many years before! He thought that maybe this is what Christmas is all about! Keeping hope alive that maybe, just maybe, wishes can come true, if we believe!
 
He then said “Yes there is a Santa Clause.” Bob surprised himself by saying this but somehow it felt good to say it.
 
As the little girl ran off to play with her brother, her mother stepped up and apologized for her daughters bold outburst! He said no apology was necessary as he kept thinking about the bike she wished for.
 
Then he thought to himself, maybe Santa is alive in all of us, we just need to find him.
 
Another surprise  to him was the statement he made to the child’s  mother. “Did you know she asked Santa for a bike/” Her response was, yes she knew that but they would be lucky this year if they had food on the table this year, the bike under the small tree was would not be happening this Christmas.
 
He then pictured the look on the girls face that Christmas morning, turning the corner, hoping beyond hope that Santa had granted her wish only to find it not there and her older brother saying “I told you he wasn’t real!”
 
It was then that the train arrived and they all boarded, The little girl sat near Bob. As he looked at her, he thought of when he was five and the disappointment in his heart that Christmas morning when his red bike with the tassels on the handlebars wasn’t sitting by the tree! It was at that moment that he decided it wouldn’t happen again. “That won’t happen to this little girl” he said to himself!

As the train stopped at the next station, the mother and her children got up to leave! Although there were too more stops before his, Bob got out as well.

At the station, he asked the mother to wait a moment as he pulled out his checkbook! He wrote a  check
 for one thousand dollars, and handed it to her.

She looked confused and tried to give it back. Bob then said “you don’t know me, I don’t know you but your daughter showed me the true meaning of believing in something that I lost more than thirty years ago! My only request to you in accepting my gift is that you get her the bike that she asked for!”

As Bob turned to go up the stairs, she grabbed his sleeve! As he turned around, he saw tears in her eyes as she said thank you and Merry Christmas! 

As he walked away, he thought of the look on the child’s face that Christmas morning as she rounded the corner and did see the bike she asked Santa for!

As he left the station with three blocks ahead of him before he got home, be beamed with the holiday spirit that he had been lost so many years before! As be walked toward his building, before the doorman could say a word, Bob handed him a hundred dollar bill and said Merry Christmas Bill!

“Merry Christmas, sir” was Bills response, wondering what happened in the last nine hours!

When Bob entered his apartment, the phone was ringing, it was Joe again, asking him to join him for a bit of holiday cheer at the bar around the corner from his apartment! Bob’s response was ”If only you let me pick up the tab” He then said, "I have a phone call to make then I’ll be there in ten minutes!"

Bob then picked up the phone and called his Mother in Florida to let her know he would call her in a day or two to let her know when he was flying in!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Monday, November 19, 2012

Think back, pilgrim… Remember?(John Wayne)...

As Thanksgiving approaches, and the crazy holiday season, I thought I'd take a moment to talk about time, thanks and more of the craziness of the season.

It is difficult to grasp that it's already late November. They say(whoever 'they' is) time flies! It seems just yesterday, it was early summer and we were complaining about the heat. Now it's just a few days until Thanksgiving and I have a frozen turkey to deal with!

I love Thanksgiving, that was our family holiday. Yes, Christmas was the climax of the year, but that afternoon we would pile in the car and go to an aunts house to finish the day. Thanksgiving was the day we slept in, skipped breakfast and converged on the kitchen as a family and made dinner.

It wasn't about the turkey, of football, it was about being together. I am thankful for those memories, and thankful every day for my family and friends.

Since Mom and Dad are gone, I don't see my family every day, but I make a point to call my brother a few times a week and check in. He, Fran, and the kids are all I have.

I take that back, I have a close knit group of friends that I consider family as well.

I am thankful of all the people in my life, because they create the path I call life! By their words, gestures, and kindness, they help me decide what my next move is. Whether it's moment, day by day, or year by year.

It's the 'Butterfy Effect' "the idea, used in chaos theory, that a very small difference in the initial state of a physical system can make a significant difference to the state at some later time
[from the theory that a butterfly flapping its wings in one part of the world might ultimately cause a hurricane in another part of the world]"
 
It is amazing how a smile first thing in the morning, or a harsh word can set the tone for the entire day, or sometimes longer.
 
I try to not let the small things get to me, I live my life stoic, non-emotional, 'the strong one'. It's not easy, and it can get lonely at times. but "That's who I am, and how I deal with life."
 
I may not say it all the time, but I am thankful for the gifts I receive in life, whether it's a new shirt, a hug, or a smile from a stranger. I am grateful that someone cares, even if it's only for a moment.
 
We all need to be grateful for the blessings of thanksgiving we have 365 days a year, I know I am.
 
Until the official holiday season begins...
 
 

Friday, November 9, 2012

Santa Clause is coming to town...

Another night, another moment of not knowing what to say.

As I sit here, hoping for inspiration, I continue to babble on. The holiday season is right around the corner! Unless you are a manager at Wal-Mart, then Christmas started in August.

I love the holidays, I have already been invited to two parties, and it's only a little over a week past my birthday.

The holidays are a time of joyous celebration, a time to embrace loved ones, and forget about petty differences you had with a friend and family.

I love and hate the holidays, I love it because I get to spend time with family. but hate dealing with all the commercialism. Like I said, the poor Wal-Mart manager must have two calenders in his office, one for day to day operations, and one for Holidays!

"Let's look, okay, Halloween starts in July, Christmas in August, Valentines Day starts January 3rd, I think I am covered until February 15th when I have to dust off the Easter baskets and get ready for summer"

I'm not sure why, we the retail consumer have let this happen, but it has.

I miss the days when there was no Halloween until the week of October 31st and  Christmas music was not allowed until "Black Friday." And if you even thought about it, you were guaranteed coal and switches in your stocking!

We always look forward to the next "big event" and forget the daily events we encounter every day.

We need to stop 'fast-forwarding' the calender to the next holiday "so we can all get together" and think about today and say to ourselves, what is so wrong with getting together "just because." Life is too short to wait for the next holiday to tell someone how you feel. That holiday maybe too late!

I don't share feelings or show emotion, but I am trying to get better at it. I take it one day at a time, not one holiday to the next. If everyone did that, maybe this world would be a calmer, more serene place to co-exist!

So next time you talk to your family, instead of saying "see you Thanksgiving" say, I'll call you mid-week, maybe we can get together next Sunday! It would probably benefit everyone.

Something to think about, and Happy Holidays!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Five hundred, twenty five thousand, six hundred minutes...

As I sit here tonight, on the cusp of the eve of my birth, I am quietly reflecting on the last twelve months.

Not a whole lot to say, especially since I don't talk about myself often. Something I wrote a long time ago:


Ask me to talk about my family, I can talk for days,
Ask me to talk about my writings, I can talk for hours,
Ask me to talk about me, I can talk for two minutes tops,
I know the reasons, I'm just not saying.
 
 
 
 
I have always considered myself, a rock. A stable point where my friends and family can go to and know that I will be there for them, for advice, a smile, a hug, or a swift kick in the butt if they need it to get back to where they need to be.
 
This year was an emotional roller coaster, lost my best friend in March, but got back in touch with a few others that I hadn't talked to for a very long time. The latter doesn't fill the void of the prior, but it helped. I may have not expressed it(not big on showing emotion) but it helped.
I have had quiet nights reflecting(not unlike tonight) and boisterous nights of revelling that are better left undisclosed. Moments of winning big, and times of almost losing the shirt off my back. My saving grace is something I have talked of in the past. Karma!
 
God has smiled down on me and opened that window when the door was shut, and been by my side, even when it seemed like I wasn't on his.
 
I have had bitter moments over the past year, we all have! I realizes a long time ago though, that being bitter for long periods creates dark places in out heart. And eventually, our heart is so filled with darkness, we can't see the way to help others in need.
 
For me, helping others in their time of crisis, whether it's helping with a flat tire, or a shoulder to cry on after a broken heart, it makes me feel better.
 
I am no Don Quixote, I am not going out to right all wrongs, while tilting at windmills, but when someone finds me and they are in need, I gladly do what I can to make it "all good." Sometimes I can't fix the problem, but find a way to help them on their path to well being.
 
By writing this, I am not asking for sainthood, praise, or even a beer(but, if you see me in two days, feel free to say "I'm buying!") I'm just asking, you, the reader, that next time a friend needs help, a kind word or just a hug, take a moment and be the best friend you can be.  You never can tell, maybe one of these days, I may even ask for advise or a hug!
 
Be safe, have fun, and make lots of memories!
 
Until next time...
 
 

Saturday, October 20, 2012

There's no free lunch...

We all love free. I remember once I was in New Orleans, walking down Bourbon street and saw a sign that said 'Buy one beer, get three free' where do you think I was for about four(I think)hours?

Something else from one of my essays that I haven't marketed yet:

Why is it we all know our limit of how much to drink until someone decides to buy us one more?
 
Come on, each of us have been there. It’s time to leave, too much fun has been had by most, then your best friend says, "don’t leave, the next one’s on me!" You say to yourself (sometimes out loud) "I know I have had enough, but what the hell, I’ll sleep tomorrow at the office!" So you stay and make a near ass of yourself.
We all have done this a time or few. The problem is, as humans, we can’t resist Free! "I have a coupon for ‘buy one package of chicken livers, get one free’ I’ve got to get them, they’re free!" No one in their right mind needs or wants a package of chicken livers, much less two, but you say "hey, they’re free!"
That same rational, or lack thereof, goes with free beer, even though you know that you are already responsible for killing one keg and are well on your way to kill it’s brother!
The next day as you say to yourself, (at least I have) "it seemed like the thing to do at the time!" Then again, if for no other reason, it makes great fodder for the next story!
 
Free is never free. Yes, it is great in concept. 'Order by mid-night tonight and we will double your offer' "I really don't want two 'In-The-Shell Egg Scramblers', but OK" then I look at my credit card statement, delivery and special handeling cost more than the second egg scrambler itself, and I just paid it twice. I don't even like scrambled eggs!
 
I recently signrd up ro get a free sample of dish detergent, now. my e-mail box if full every day with new auto loan deals and surveys! I don't want a new car and I certainly hate answering questions!
 
I guess where I am going with this is everything has a price(I'm guessing, because I have had writers block for three weeks now.), "Yea, I'll help you move, you helped me last year" then you remember your friend lives on the forth floor and there are no elevators. Or, "No worries, I'll tell your girlfriend you were with me." Then in a night of drunken stupor, the truth is revealed, and you are in recovery mode quicker than a failed light on the space shuttle(not that's around anymore, thanks barry)!
 
I have now realized, whether it's time or money,  that giving from the heart, and not expecting anything in return is the best avenue to take. I give because I want to, not because I have to. If I am not available that Saturday, 'sorry for your luck, I am already committed.'  If they are a true friend and know you, they will understand.
 
Don't get me wrong in my ramblings, helping others is a good thing, but remember, you are your first priority. and blowing off that doctor's appointment to move your friend or give that homeless man the two dollars that you were going to use to by a scratch-off(in a separate timeline you won $10,000,000 on that scratch-off, BTW) you would not still have a sprained back, and been able to hire a moving company and help the homeless guy a lot better of you had used the $2.00 with your original intention!
 
By no means am I saying, stop giving to PBS, the RNC, Ducks Unlimited, or helping a buddy out. I am saying give with an open heart and not expect an immediate return. Karma is a powerful entity in the universe, and good comes back, tenfold. The only thing that sucks about karma is bad comes back one-hundred fold! Been there, done that that, lost the T-shirt in a mosh pit, another sad story for yet another day!
 
So, keep giving, but give with out expectations, it will be worth it in the long run!


Monday, October 8, 2012

A quarter, two nickles and a dime...

Forty five cents, also, the number of minutes I have been trying to come up with something to write about.

Then it hit me, why not write about change. No, not the coins in my pocket, nor the false hope we were promised four years ago(saving that one for November 3rd) but the every day events we deal with.

No one likes change! "what do you mean you don't have my brand? If I wanted another brand, I would have asked for it!" But after going to five stores and not finding your favorite tooth paste, you decide to try another, and realize, "It's not so bad after all!"

We all get set in our ways. "I have chicken on Monday, pizza on Tuesday. there is no way I can have pizza today." We find a way to adapt though.

Change can sometimes be a good thing, although when it happens, we, as humans, kick, scream, gnash teeth and go along because we have no choice.

Sometimes we realize what we are doing to ourselves or the ones we care about, we have to make a change. Whether it's harmful to our self or others, it must happen. I wrote something once about self-realization:

He sat by the lake that crisp September morning. watching the loons, prepare for their long journey southward.  he then noticed the trees, had changed from a vibrant green to a flaming red. He then realized, summer was over, it was time for a change.


No, i don't remember the exact events at the time(which is surprising, because I can normally pinpoint all my writings) reading it now I realize change isn't always a bad thing.

It's amazing what we can see and do when we change our routine ever so slightly. A few weeks ago, I found a local farmer's market and decided to stop because I was curious. I normally take a different route, but this day I turned left instead of right. I found, fresh vegetables, local honey and some great boiled peanuts. Things I never would have found if I went with my regular routine.

Sometimes it just takes a wrong turn to find something more exciting and different.

Something else I wrote once,(remember this one.) I was moving away, at the time,  no idea how long or when I would be back. I penned this for my close-knit group of friends and asked them not to read it until I was gone:

The echoes of our laughter....
 
Though we've gone our separate ways, there are a few things I carry with me always
The happy times we spent together...
The lonely time when I just needed a hug...
The sad time, when I just needed a friend to talk to....
Or, the echoes of our laughter.


Embrace those whims of change and discover where the unknown path takes you. You may find a new happiness, or just back to the path you belonged on to start, but with fantastic stories to share!

Until next time....

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Sometimes you just need to rip off the band-aid...

Sometimes bad news is hard to deal with. Even if you don't accept it, it's still there. Hanging over you like a dark cloud, waiting to be filled to capacity then bringing on the deluge.

Whether, it's a lost dog, a "C" when you know you deserved an "A" on that paper you submitted, or even a terminal illness, the news is not easy. Yes, some events carry a heavier burden than others, but by not sharing, others can't be there for help and support.

I bring this up because I recently friended someone on Facebook(known him for 20+ years) who thought the best way to share his unfortunate news was to open an account(with the prodding of his wife). She didn't prod him so he could spread the bad news, only to take his mind off of the devastating news.

He went in a different direction though and posted a few days later, that he had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I don't know if I would have the courage to do that, but he did and I'm proud of him for it.

He's taking the fight to the cancer, not letting it get to him. It's going to be a tough row to hoe, but he's not giving up the plow yet.

Sometimes you just have to "pull up anchor" and see where the current takes you. Not hide under the covers and hope the monster in the closet goes away. They seldom do.

Family and friends will be there, you just have to let them know you need them. I know in my past, I have learned that lesson, and am thankful every day of my family and friends. Sometimes all you have to do is reach out, and there will be someone there to brace your fall, and help you get back on your feet.

It is never easy to admit you need help, I know I don't like to be the one needing help, I prefer to be the one for support, but that's fodder for another day.

So, be open and honest with yourself and others,  and you will find the help you need. It may just be a pat on the back, a word of encouragement, or just a hug, but each of those will warm your heart and ease your pain. And maybe then realize that "monster" in the closet is just a dust bunny in the overall scheme of life!

Monday, September 10, 2012

No worries...

Life is stressful, there's never enough time in the day to get everything done that needs to be taken care of. On top of all that, there are those moments that happened earlier in the day that you have to deal with.

You know the ones,  that report that the boss wants at 8am tomorrow,  the revised carpool schedule(from a text message) which means you should have been at the school 7 minutes ago(oops),  or that delivery package you promised to drop off by 5 and it's 4:57 and you are still 14 minutes away.

Some things we have control over, "yea, I could have stayed and finished the report, I could have taken state street and been there on time, or found another drop box for the package. That would have resolved a lot of stress. "

Stress happens every day, it may not be from the boss or a text,  it may come from an off the cuff comment, or from another authoritative figure that you must comply with. Stress is bad, it causes worry, and these issues must be resolved.

But there are some situations that we incur, and, no matter what we try, we can not change the outcome. My fault, your fault, his fault. it is. what it is! We can do nothing about it.

Things like the landlord leaving a note that says "I need to see you:" or your significant other saying "we need to talk" Granted the prior may be  minor compared to the post, but woe some none the less.

Throughout the day, we dwell on these prior moments. The bottom line is, no matter how much we worry, the outcome will happen. We cannot control that. We stress out, sweat, fret and curse at the parking attendant because we are impending doom.

These things cannot be amended, or avoided. Yet they consume our day and distract us from our everyday activities! Things like reports, carpools or deliveries.

You can not change these events, no matter how you try, yet you worry and let yourself become distracted for whats' going to happen in your mind. Not really knowing for sure what is going to take place.

When all is said and done, and your landlord tells you trash day is now Thursday, not Wednesday, and your girlfriend tells you her college roommate is coming to town and she will be staying in the spare bedroom for 2 days, you realize you worried for nothing.

There are some things we know about and can change, and others we don't know about and can't.  There is no reason to stress about whatever we can't change, whatever happens, happens.

Call it fate, karma, or kismet. It is, what it is.  No need to worry about it, if you can't change it, there is no need to let it stress you out!

Until next time...

Saturday, September 1, 2012

The enemy of my enemy is...

We all go through the motions of daily life. Some things we like, some we actually enjoy, and some we dread.

Some we abhor so much, we say to ourselves, or even sometimes out loud "I hate when that happens" or "I hate when they do that." Do we really know the definition of the word hate? Most of us "no" so here it is:
hate  (heɪt)
vb
1. to dislike (something) intensely; detest
2. ( intr ) to be unwilling (to be or do something)
n
3. intense dislike
4. informal  a person or thing that is hated (esp in the phrase pet hate )
5. ( modifier ) expressing or arousing feelings of hatred: hate mail
[Old English hatian;  related to Old Norse hata,  Old Saxon hatōn,  Old High German hazzēn ]
'hateable
adj
'hatable
adj
'hater
n

 

hate/[heyt] verb, hat·ed, hat·ing, noun

verb (used with object)

.
intense dislike; extreme aversion or hostility.

the object of extreme aversion or hostility.
Before 900; Middle English hat ( i ) en, Old English hatian  (v.); cognate with Dutch haten, Old Norse hata, Gothic hatan, German hassen


hat·er, noun
self-hate, noun
un·hat·ed, adjective
un·hat·ing, adjective
un·hat·ing·ly, adverb


1. loathe, execrate; despise. Hate, abhor, detest, abominate  imply feeling intense dislike or aversion toward something. Hate,  the simple and general word, suggests passionate dislike and a feeling of enmity: to hate autocracy. Abhor  expresses a deep-rooted horror and a sense of repugnance or complete rejection: to abhor cruelty; Nature abhors a vacuum. Detest  implies intense, even vehement, dislike and antipathy, besides a sense of disdain: to detest a combination of ignorance and arrogance. Abominate  expresses a strong feeling of disgust and repulsion toward something thought of as unworthy, unlucky, or the like: to abominate treachery.
Yes, a bit much to digest this holiday weekend, but we often use this word too freely, and not really knowing what it means and how it affects others and ourselves.
I don't hate indviduals or groups, I hate moments in times. I hated the day I didn't get the lead in
my junior high play(looking back, it's all good) or the day I lost my first real job (their loss, not mine.)
There are other times that weigh heavier on my heart, most recently, the day Candy's mom called me tell me she died. My heart was black that day. Or, it was time I found myself in a hospital waiting room with my brother. The doctor called us into an eight by eight room, to tell us our father had minutes left to live and the nurse would come get us to say goodbye. When that doctor left, that room shrunk to a stiffening four by four cubicle, and I didn't know what to do next! I still think about that moment to this day.
Two years later, when my mother passed, at least she and I talked, right before she died. The words aren't important here, but the words we shared, I carry with me every always.
Yes, these moments hurt, and yes, hate was in my heart, but it faded, and I realized,  that darkness in my heart didn't help me at all!
These times have changed my life for the better, instead of being soured or turned bitter, I have chosen to try to embrace compassion, compassion for those who are going through what I have, or compassion for those who don't accept the hand that God has dealt them.
I don't walk around with a chip on my shoulder. I don't wish that moment when that doctor told me about my dad on my worst enemy, no one needs to go through that  grief in their life. Granted, it does every day for people I don't know, but it saddens me none the less.  I, myself,  try to do the best I can for my family, friends, and society and will help them if they are ever in that situation again.
I have learned to care for others, as opposed to be angry and hate.
Hate is not the answer, but is a self-help guide to make us love and care more.
Hate less, and love more, this is what I have learned, and live with every day!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

As time goes by...

Didn't really know what to say, or what words to put down on paper! Still don't!

I figured if I started typing, the music would guide me and the thoughts would flow.If I ramble, it's my fault not yours. It's so much easier to just write a status update.

I haven't lost my muse, I just haven't thought about it much.  Time has flown by too quickly. I'm sitting at my computer on Sunday morning, looking up the holiday of the day, wondering if anyone still cares, the next thing I know it's Wednesday afternoon, and I still I wonder.

I did run into a friend Monday and commented on a Facebook post that I had made. It made me feel good that he looks forward to my daily tidbits and ramblings. I guess it is the little things in life that mean the most. A smile from a friend, a joke from a co-worker that makes you laugh, or a song that brings back so many great memories!

I'm a little pensive about this weekend, speaking of time! It has been thirty years since high school, Saturday is the reunion. In a way, looking forward to it, in a way, dreading it. I hate talking about myself, and it will be five hours of just that! I do better with people I have never met! Go in, make a bad impression and exit gracefully! I'm guessing Saturday, this won't be the case.

So if i delete my Facebook account Sunday, and drop off the face of the earth,  you'll know it didn't go well.

I will say one good thing about Facebook though, Tuesday, I saw a buddy I had not seen since High School. We talked a bit,  catching up on life! I would have not recognized him if it were not fro social media.He can't make it Saturday, but we are getting together for a beer soon to catch up!

Sorry for the mindless banter, I said I didn't know where I was going with this and at least I didn't let you down on that point. Sometimes walking down an unknown path isn't a bad thing! You never know what you might find.

Then again, Maybe Saturday will give me more fodder for my next diatribe! We'll see what happens, hope I didn't disappoint this week, but when the words aren't there....

Until the weekend!

Monday, August 20, 2012

Blame it on the rain...

As the rain falls, gently from the gray sky, I think back to a time when the winds were harsher, and the rain was pelting my face like tiny ice needles. There were more drops traveling horizontally than vertical.  Granted, that was only an hour ago, but it was intense!

I don't know why I wait to do things at the last minute, like I have said before, I do my best work with a deadline looming!

I spent the weekend at work, playing, and ignoring domestic chores! I will not bore you with details, but my chore turned into a desperate need today as opposed to a 'want to do.' After a trudge down 'LaSalle Creek' and a great margarita, my task was complete! I guess I could have waited to do laundry, but it had to be done.

This rant kind of reminds me of other wants and needs.

As we go through life, we meet many people, some in passing, some who make an impact on our day, and others who make an impact for a lifetime.

I had such a person in my life until March of this year. We hadn't known each other long, about three years, but we had become very close. . The type of person you could call any time, day or night, and she would assure you everything would be okay, then check on you the next day to make sure. We hung out that Monday and made dinner plans for that fateful Tuesday night, but it didn't work out. I got a call that Tuesday afternoon that she had died suddenly in her sleep! At only forty-three, she was too young to go away, but obviously God saw otherwise. It is a sad memory, but I have the good times to remember. and they definitely outweigh the bad moments.

Granted, there are others in my life I care about, and I am trying to be more vigilant to let them know how I feel and that I am there for them, just as my friend was for me!

I will never again  say "we need to get together and catch up!" It has to be a want, then a self-commitment to make it happen. Life is too short to have regrets, and tomorrow may not always be here to take care of your 'needs' much less your 'wants.'

I am not perfect, and may slip into a self absorbing routine again, but I am going to make a conscious effort to not let that happen again.

And if my words have done nothing else, pick up the phone and tell a friend you haven't talked to in awhile, hello, ask how they are and do it because you want to, not need to!

Until next week...

Saturday, August 11, 2012

No, really it's about me!

As I sit here, not knowing what to say, not knowing why I committed myself to to this, I think of what a stranger., turned friend reminded me. Be who you are, don't try to be someone else.

He wasn't talking about me and my actions when he made that statement, but it hit home none the less.

It reminded me of one of my core values. You can be there for causes, you can be there for your friends, you can be there for your family, but when it is all said and done, there is only one person you can count on to get you by. And that person is you!

As a society, we want, no, we need, interaction with others. A smile, while waiting in line a Starbucks, eye contact while passing on the street, or a good morning from a stranger in our office building. These small gestures remind us we are all still fighting for the same race, the human race!

You are not better than me because you drive a BMW, or wear a gold necklace that would make the Sultan of Brunei jealous. It just means somewhere down the path of life, you made better decisions than I did.  I have no right to be jealous, or bitter about those decisions.I just need to use that moment as a learning tool to know what to do differently in the future, if I have opportunity. And if I am not presented with opportunity, if I want that same success, I have to find it for myself. Not be bitter and wallow in my sorrow that "it's not fair, he has that and I don't"

I often say as a joke "No, really it's about me!" but in reality, in my world it is.

A parent will disagree, "no, my kids are first" or a newlywed "no my husband comes first". that is all well and good, but until you decide I have to be there for me before I can be there for them, you are just running in circles!

Yes it is pejorative, that we are there for the ones we care about, but the bottom line is, if we are not there for ourselves first, there is no true way we can be there for others!

Try to live in a world or 'WE' but remember 'ME' also!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

A blank slate, an open mind...

As I sit here, wondering what to say, Europa is playing in the background! I don't know why I started this, or if anyone will read it, but what the hell!

Maybe I should I should just comment about my music play list! Yes it's on shuffle, but Under Pressure by David Bowie, came up next. I have never put myself under any pressure in my writing. I always called deadlines goals I should strive for. Others have had a different definition in the past, but I eventually delivered.

For me, it's about the feelings, more so than the words. Don't get me wrong, if you are going to read something, there better be words, but those words need to carry the emotion that was felt when the letters were put together.

That is how I try to live my life away from the keyboard. I wrote something once:


I once thought showing emotion was a sign of weakness,
I now realize the lack of emotion is the weakness.


I still build walls, try to "stay stoic" but I think I'm getting better at sharing feelings, offering comforting and helpful words, and on that rare occasion, a smile. 

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, if you know me, I hope you also know you can count on me in good times and bad. It's not about me it's about we! and in closing, something else I wrote for you to think about:

A true friend won't take your last jellybean,even if offered.

Until next time, remember, be safe, have fun and make lots of memories.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

In the begining...

Growing up, we all have questions like , "why do I have to keep between the lines?" or "when is it ‘OK’ to say that?’.Mom and Dad never did provide a satisfactory answer, but we all had to accept it, none the less. As we have gotten older, and most of us wiser, we have come across other queries that we can not resolve..We all have them, some of us dwell on them, most of us just worry about what tomorrow will bring. That is defiantly not a bad thing to do, but those questions always haunt our subconscious.

I admit, I have lived both of those moments and still wonder why! There are many questions in my lifetime that have seemed profound. Questions like "where did we come from?" or "Why are we here on this rock we call Earth?" I remember once being in a rainforest in southern Oregon, asking myself those two particular questions(in that particular order, none the less) and commenced to give myself a headache! I then realized at that moment, the answers to those two great questions would hopefully, one day be answered, but, then wasn’t the time. There were many other inquiries, like those two, that may or may not have a cut and dry answer, we may be able to answer. And at most, may be a lot less taxing on the brain to process.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean questions like, "Why is the sky blue?" or "Why are we hungry three hours after eating Chinese food?" I speak of the life altering stuff that mold and shape each one of us as we soar through these cosmos, dodging asteroids at 67,062 miles per hour.

I recently decided to delve into and share my top thirteen "life altering" questions, and in my humble and lay belief, the reasoning thereof. Yes, I know the old adage about opinions, but when it comes down to tanning the hide or tossing it out for the dogs to gnaw on, that opinion is yours, and yours alone. Right or wrong, you must live with the answers! It has been a long time coming and it is due time to get these questions(not necessarily the answers, mind you) out in the open! I'm going to start this process slowly and share my top three now, and add as time goes on,

Why is it if you tell someone you are a writer, they have the story that will win you a Pulitzer, Kennedy Center Honors, and a Nobel all in the same week?

I recall one time around Christmas, I decided to give myself the gift of a well-deserved vacation from my pencil and notepad until after the end of the year. I had been writing non-stop for a few months and needed the break. As I was sitting at the bar that New Years eve, to enjoy a toast with the other revelers at the stroke of midnight, to bring in the new year with a bang, something happened. A lady started a conversation with me, It was the holiday season after all and I didn’t want to be rude. As all normal bar conversations go, eventually she asked what I did for a living. I should have lied,. I should have told her I sold shoes at Macy’s or I was a rocket scientist, but since I didn’t graduate from MIT, I told her I was a freelance writer. At that point, the flood gates opened. She proceeded to give me her biography and told me I needed to write her life story. She "grew up in a trailer on the west side of town and struggled and scraped to make it to where she was today!" A best seller, she lamented.

When I mentioned(when I could finally get a word in) I was on a self prescribed vacation, she just kept rambling about her hardships and what a great story it would make. Her husband had abandoned her and their five kids. and, at that time, she had no clue where their next meal would be coming from(why she was out drinking and spending money, I still don’t know). She "somehow" pulled herself out of the trenches and though, she was still struggling but she decided that she could make it work! "A great Hallmark movie if you ask me." I tried to emphasize, again and again, that I was trying to enjoy the night and told her I wasn’t thinking about writing at all, but nothing helped. When I finally had enough and told her to shut up, she got insulted and stormed off!

Thinking back to that moment, who knows, it may have been a Pulitzer prize winning story that could have been made into a blockbuster movie. At that time. though, not unlike today, I didn’t care. She had invaded my world, encroached on my personal space, being there, uninvited and unwelcome.

Don’t get me wrong, she was not the first person to do this, and I’m certain, will not be the last. I have had numerous people give me unsolicited story ideas because their’s "are the best in the world." and I need to let the world know. For the record. I have my own ideas, just as you do, some I share, others I don’t.

I mean, I don’t tell my bartender how to pour my beer or give my rocket scientist friend(yes, I have one) unsolicited advice about ‘secret project XJ57-B.’ So if one day we meet at the bar and you ask what I do, when I respond I’m a rocket scientist, please don’t give me your story idea!

Why do women with ugly feet wear open-toed shoes?

This is a question has been burning in the back of my mind for the longest time. This query actually spurned this diatribe. I’m still not certain why it ended up number nine!

I was sitting at a bar(funny how so many of these questions come up in a bar) one evening, working on a rewrite of something. Or was it an original greeting card that I had already sold and hadn’t even written yet, who knows. I have always lived by the mantra that there’s nothing like an imposing deadline to get one motivated.

This girl sitting next to me asked what I was doing. She was cute, not SI swimsuit cover gorgeous, but cute, in a girl next door kind of way. I said I was a writer and it was something I should have finished the week prior. Then, as it always happens, when I’m in the middle of greatness, or simply talking to a cute girl, I got a little nervous and dropped my pencil. As I bent down to find it, I caught a glimpse of this cute girl sitting next to me’s feet!

If you have ever seen that National Geographic special about the Giant Condors of California, those birds had nothing on her. In the series, the narrator speaks, the camera pans, zooming in on this majestic bird of California,. featuring it’s angry talons clutching the branch, curled underneath, ready to be released and be extended for hunting..

Seeing her feet, my thought was of that great bird of prey, the only problem was there was no branch, only her shoes. Twisted, gnarled and bent, her toes, they were at odd angles, in the designer, open toed sling backs that she was wearing. Her second and middle toes seeming to battle with the other three! As I at stared at her feet(which seemed like hours) , I didn’t know if her toes were waving to me, or were preparing to burrow into the nape of the neck of some poor woodland creature, that would soon become her next meal!

I’m not certain if she should have been a case study for Podiatry monthly or her shoes were just giving her injustice, but something had to give. It looked horrific, It was painful to observe in the two seconds that took me to find my pencil.
Again, don’t get me wrong, I am not saying my feet look any better than hers did. I’m almost certain they don’t. At least I do know when I should show them and when I should not.

After that event, I have since taken notice to others’ feet in social settings (no, I don’t have a foot fetish and yes, I think that crazy guy in Arkansas who broke into women’s houses to suck on their toes should be locked away for a very, very long time) and noticed the same thing. Women can dress to the nines, and yet, forget about their feet!

I once noticed a women, and it had appeared that she opened a can of Vienna Sausages, arranged all five in a ½ inch o-ring and placed that horrific creation as an adornment on the cap of her shoes for the world to view! Frightening, to say the least.
Though I started this to ask why, and am not writing these words to give advise, I must on this particular situation.

If one toe is crossing another for good luck or you appear to be perched in a sequoia, give your feet a break and wear loafers or Top Siders! They are both acceptable in most situations and you will be doing yourself and others around you a favor that may last a lifetime, or for at least for that night.

Why do we continue to do things to impress others, when the only person we really need to impress is ourselves?

In my travels across this great land, I have experienced many monumental events, and been to many spectacular places! I have been to LL Bean in Freeport Maine at 4:30 a.m., and driven through a great Sequoia in northern California. I even drove through a tornado once in southeastern Iowa.

I’ve won money in Tahoe, lost money in Reno, and broken even in Vegas! I have been lower than the bottom rung on the ladder of life at times, and at other moments sung from the rooftops at the top of my lungs; because it seemed like the thing to do at the time.

Those events didn’t make me a great person, and they certainly don’t make me a great writer, but they do make me who I am! I did these things for me. So I could have the memories, stories and experiences that make life worth living.

I’ve been out of practice with a lot of things in life lately, sharing feelings, being a good listener, and too many other issues to list. But what is most important to me, I have neglected me, and my writing. People tell me I’m good, I tend to ignore them! Since I am my toughest critic, I know what’s good, what’s not, what may, or may not be worth reading. At least that’s my opinion anyway!

I guess what I am realize as I answer my last question(for now) is, I do these things for myself, and I am my harshest critic. Because, I am the one I have to answer to when all is said and done. I know there are many people that are saying (as you who are read this) "I must do this for them!"

As far as life goes, Forget them, let them do "it:" for themselves. I don’t want to sound self centered(nor, do I want you to be), I believe in family, friends, and helping others! The bottom line is though, if you are not there for yourself, you cannot be there for others!

I did not mean for this to get philosophical or go esoteric, it was all meant to be fun! What we all need to realize is; that finding yourself can be fun, that is, if you really want or need to!

So accept this for humor, or for self awareness, that’s your call! But if it makes you think, or laugh, then you are really ready to enjoy life.

Then again , if it brings you face to foot to a girl with ugly feet wearing open-toed shoes and you tell her she’s bringing injustice to this world, my here work is done!

(My 1st, blog, aorry I missed the climax)